This was the best moment of my life, the first time I held my sweet Annabelle Lee. She was born August 23rd 2012 after 30 hours of induced labor, 30 hours. So stubborn, so worth it. She was perfect, I cannot ever reiterate how perfect she was. She barely fussed. Took to breastfeeding that morning, without hassle, without any issues. This was my dream come true, to be a mother, of a daughter, to name her Annabelle Lee, to breastfeed her, to have her as natural as I could, to bring her home all dressed up.
And that is what I did.
She was so good, she barely cried, was easily calmed. She ate well, often, and gained weight perfectly. She did everything on time, walked, crawled, talked. We had fun. Not enough though. We played. Not enough though. It's never ever enough.
She grew. She loved tv. I didn't mean for that to happen, I'm not even sure when it did. But one day she was enthralled with Minnie and Micky, Sofia and Doc. I remember her yelling at the tv during commercials. I should have bought her more dvds to cut the commercials. She would let me dress her up, wear headbands and shoes, at least long enough for pictures. Just so perfect.
She really loved timbits from tim hortons. It was hilarious to see her scarf them down. I should have gotten them more for her, I think about that everyday. She really loved green beans, and she had them everyday almost. The long skinny kind, french. Now we don't eat them any other way.
She let me paint her fingers and toes, it's one of my fondest memories. Being girly together. Even though she didn't understand it, it was so special to me to share that. I still have the little containers of piggy paint tucked away.
For 15 months, I was blessed. So blessed. A perfect little version of my self that we all spoiled and loved. I dreamed of the days of being begged for barbies in the aisle of target, no that skirt is too short, bad grades, good grades, prom or no prom, bad attitudes, markers on my walls, girl talks, or slamming doors. I wanted it all, the bad and the good, I wanted Annabelle to grow up, happy, but just grow up.
Always been terrified of SIDS, I was very vigilant for 12 months, always checked her breathing, scared anything might happen. She never had a blanket, pillow, stuffed animals near her sleeping until she was well over 12 months. Hyper vigilant, not like I am now, but normal new mom hyper vigilance. I did what I thought was right, vaccines. Because that's what you do when you love your kids and you want them to be healthy, safe, alive.
On Novemember 26th she had 4 vaccines. MMR, DTaP, Chicken Pox and half of a Flu shot. No fever, that I noticed that night. We went to target after. I always wanted a daughter to take to target, to shop with. It's my favorite store, and she loved going to. She was grouchy, rightfully so. They tell you they will be grouchy/sleepy. No fever so no medicine, no need for concern. She ate a corndog with me before she laid down to relax for the night and watch her cartoons. I went to the restroom. Then to clean her room. She was quiet, she was asleep. No sounds except the low sound of the cartoons. No cries, no whines, no groans, no screams, nothing. Nothing.
It was 11 something, I felt in her packnplay at her diaper, it was wet. I picked her up, she was facedown. It all went so wrong so fast. I screamed for her dad.
This had happened before, she scared me, I thought she wasn't breathing, I'm a drama queen. She was in deep sleep and super angry when I screamed at her dad to wake her up and he had yelled her name loud and scared her awake. But that wasn't what was happening now, this was real, she wasn't breathing.
But she was warm. I don't recall any color even being gone from her face, she didn't look dead. I called 911, we gave her cpr. We caused vomit to come up, it was all over us. It was all over me, I still taste it. I will never ever get that taste out of my mouth. I ran outside. Her dad kept giving her cpr. I just laid outside in my driveway and screamed. A cop was trying to get me up, I couldn't move. I saw her rushed from the house into an ambulance. She was missing a sock. I was missing a sock. I refuse to think that was just coincidence. We both lost our socks in the commotion.
I remember asking a cop that was at my door while we were waiting on my inlaws to pick us up to go to the hospital if it was bad. If hed ever seen any baby survive.
"It's bad."
Shuffled us into this room at childrens, I just pushed myself up against a dresser. The nurse that came in was pregnant, and I was furious. It took forever. It might have only been 5 mins but it took forever for some doctor to come in. They tried to start her heart a few times, with adrenaline I think. It didn't work. She was gone. They was nothing they could do.
The first question I asked.
Could shots have killed her? She just got shots.It's not even been 10 hours since she got the shots, did the shots kill her? What happened!?
That doctor lied to my face. Any doctor knows that vaccines can kill people. She didn't know what had happened in her body, she just said no. She reassured me it wasn't the shots. Again and again. To be honest, she made me feel stupid for even questioning the shots. Just like many doctors do. Thats the right thing to do, vaccines. The greater good, nothing bad happens, the risk is minimal. Lies, it's all just a lie.
I didn't want to see her, I regret it sometimes, but most of the time I know it was right. She was gone, and I didn't want to remember her like that. I didn't let anyone else go see her either, I didn't want ANYONE to see her like that, to have those images. I told my mom she didn't want to see what I saw. I'll never really know if my parents went back to see her, I left before they did.
The doctor said her fever was 114 degrees. So within 30 mins she went from normal temperature, alive, to dead with a 114 degree temperature. That's not Sids.
SUDC
Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood is what they call it. SIDS for 12mo +. It's a crapshoot, it's a catchall. Truthfully, it's lazy. That is what the coroner told me it was ruled as of that night. So I asked him. Was it the shots? He said, "It's very suspicious she got shots and died so soon after, but I will not know anything until lab reports and tox screens come back". He doesn't recall saying that, but I recall him saying that, perfectly to me.
And she was gone.
We buried her as close to my family as we could. Bought her a heart shaped gravestone, adorned with her nickname: "Buggums".
She might have answered to buggums way more than she ever answered to Annabelle.
So, if you think vaccines have harmed or killed you/your loved one. There is a thing called Vaccine court. Some people on the internet seem to think it's fake, just made up to help push an anti vaccine agenda. It's not fake. The government does realize that stuff happens. And they set up this "court" to help families out that may have been wronged by a vaccine. You cannot sue the makers of the vaccine, but you can take your case to court. We have/are/still doing this. Not for the money, but because I need someone to take fault of her death, because SUDC isn't good enough for me. I know that's not what killed my daughter. She didn't just stop breathing in the middle of the night, she was killed by vaccines. Maybe too many, maybe just one was enough. But the vaccines killed my beautiful daughter.
Vaccine court fights you though, tooth and nail. They try to discredit anything they can. It's not like real court, I don't go in everyday, I've never went in once. They do it all over the internet I believe, and my lawyer talks to the government lawyers and presents the case, his findings, his research. It's free of charge as well. They pay my lawyer his fees, whether we win or lose.
You know why they do that? Because they know it happens, kids/adults/babies die from vaccines. They are not as safe as they seem to be, especially for the young. Especially so many at one time.
No matter what your doctor says, it's overwhelming for such a small human being to be bombarded with so many drugs/chemicals at once. I don't need anyone to tell me that, I saw the proof. Sometimes, they are fine. Sometimes they are not. It's not worth it. The risk does not outweigh the protection, not for me.
We are still in vaccine court, they did not settle and they are still making it tough on us. It can take up to two years for a verdict. I pray they take responsibility even if that means they settle instead of win/lose, but regardless I know the truth. We have had very little answers, but the only one we have that isn't "SUDC" is in favor of a vaccine related death. I am 100% sure that is what killed my 15 month old extremely healthy daughter in under 10 hours.
Rest in heaven my little buggums.
I really hope anyone who reads this may reconsider how and if they give their children vaccines. You can delay, you can do one at a time, and you can say no all together. Death is a risk, even though most doctors won't tell you it's a possibility, my daughter is proof that death is a possibility. Don't let anyone bully you into vaccinating. For Annabelle. She deserves justice.
